While Waiting For Forgiveness

  For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,  in whom we       have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.          Colossians 1: 13-14


For the last two months,  I have avidly checked my email inbox as well as my facebook messages  over and over throughout my days with a deep feeling of disappointment quite often when I leave the screen again.   I enjoy reading about what my friends are up to, about their children or pets, or seeing pics of what they ate for dinner.   I enjoy reading the blog posts from some of my favorite writers in the blogging world.   I find spiritual encouragement and inspiration in those posts and also tips for being a better mom and teacher to my two children still living at home.   I appreciate those tips and helps and inspiration so very much.   They truly, at times, are a balm to my spirit and just the encouragement I need as I continue my trek through this life and through home education with two teenage boys. 

But my spirit still longs for that one special message.  My heart hopes that someday forgiveness will be granted to me from one whom I hurt.   I love her so much and would never purposely hurt her.  It's just that I am broken and imperfect and I make mistakes, sometimes big mistakes.

And she is also broken and imperfect and struggling right now with problems that are much deeper than I ever realized.   And I said the wrong things and reacted in the wrong ways and now I am cut off and unforgiven.   It hurts, badly!

I pray for her and I wait.  It seems there is little more I can do, though I know the praying is the biggest thing I can do.  Because the ONE who made us is the only one WHO can change us and heal our hearts.   And I have deep faith in HIM.   And so I wait and watch and pray, and sometimes cry.

I reassure myself that "this too shall pass."   And I truly trust it will.   And I rejoice that even though this one special soul in my life is struggling right now to forgive me and my failures, I know I am forgiven by my Creator and I have everlasting hope in His Son and she does also.  Thank you Father for this!  Thank you Jesus for redemption!

And so I continue to wait and watch, and pray, and sometimes cry and I hope she knows how much I love her.

 Pressing On In Him,

Lisa

Postscript to "When Disappointments Just Keep Rolling In"

I was convicted during yesterday's sermon that I was indeed whiny while writing "When Disappointments Just Keep Rolling In."  Funny thing is, I have no idea which words convicted me, I just came away with the feeling that I need to add a postscript.   So here it is:

I am thankful that my life is a good life.  

•  I am not currently fighting nor have I had to battle the big C -cancer.  I have a very close friend who is currently waging that battle.  I have the fullest respect for her and pray for her in that fight.  And I believe with all my heart that she is going to beat it!  
• I have not been touched by an accident that has had devastating effects on me or a close family member.
• As far as I know, I am not, nor is anyone in my immediate family, facing death (in the near future.)
•  I am not currently facing financial ruin/devastation.

In other words, I am blessed with a good life and I know it and I am grateful for it!

BUT, (you knew there had to be one) my life is full of annoyances which I believe encroach on my happiness from day to day.  Note, I said happiness, not joy!   

It seems I find myself often to be too tired, too disgruntled, too wrung out emotionally to function.  

• My house is terribly cluttered because I have been living for over two years in a house which due to water issues in the "finished" basement, is only half live-able!  Okay, also because we are messy!
• Recently people, whom I love, have insulted me on various levels, whether it be the size of my body or the integrity of my soul.
• People withdraw relationship because I don't measure up to their standard.  

All of these issues are hurtful and steal my equilibrium.  But they aren't life threatening, at least as in the sense of mortality.   My job is to not let them be life threatening in the sense of stealing my joy.  Life is full of ups and downs.  When the downs come, all I can do is hold on sometimes.  Day to day life can be full of interruptions and detours or delays.  Muddle through!  

I know the outcome of this life and I'm good with it.   Last night I said goodbye, along with her family and many mutual friends, to a fabulous Christian lady who won her battle with cancer when she went home with Jesus.  She got her diagnosis in the first two months of this year and now she is gone from us.  She was good with it also.  

My goal is to live my life like that,  I want to live with my family, friends, and church family as the center of my life and love.  I want to share The Light with the world I live in and His Love with all whom I come in contact.  And I live in hope because I know HIM!   One of my favorite bloggers said it perfectly in her post that I read earlier today:

 "Because through all the junk in our lives, the Lord has used the circumstances of where we live to teach us, to guide us, to get our attention."                                                     ~ The Nester found at http://www.thenester.com/

That is a promise (Romans 8: 28) from God, my Father, to help me through these day to day annoyances into a closer relationship with HIM while He transforms me into the image of His Son (II Corinthians 3:18.)  What joy!  Better than a lick and a promise!  This is TRUTH that I can count on always!   It's available to all; won't you join me on this journey in Christ?

Pressing on in Christ,

Lisa

When Disappointments Just Keep Rolling In

I am not sure when the whole "Keep Calm and ... (choose your words)" became so popular.   I just discovered it about three weeks ago.  I am not known for my powers of observation or for being a trendy person.   

In Bible study a few nights ago, a verse captured my attention however, and it hasn't let go of me.  It is God telling the prophet to instruct the king of Judah to "Keep calm."   Isaiah 7:4a says, "Say to him, 'Be careful, KEEP CALM and don't be afraid."   So I found the origin of the "Keep Calm movement."  God is the origin (of all things.)  Keep Calm.  That is His will for all of us.  But sometimes......life just gets so overwhelming and the bad or hurtful times just seem to pile one on top of the other and I begin to find it very difficult to keep calm.   How about you?

I feel so whiny even writing this post but I also feel tormented bottling up my feelings.   I attempt to make the choice in these situations to Keep Calm with others who are involved.   I'm working at not spewing my vengeful words onto others when I feel wronged.  I pray that God will bless me in this discipline with greater self-control and not with an ulcer.   

In this life, people disappoint us.  We must deal periodically (lately it feels like daily!) with the inconsiderate behavior of those around us, often those closest to us.  So what does one do when our  child strikes out at us with unkind words or actions?  Or how does one respond when an elderly relative feels the need to point out that one has gained weight, okay, a lot of weight, over the last ten years?   Or how does one deal with relatives who make promises and then don't keep them?  How does one Keep Calm when one's integrity is questioned unjustly?  How does one deal with others who hurt one's spouse or child?

The answer is "Keep Calm, Stay Calm, Be Calm."  As I was reminded not too long ago, God has my back; He has the answers to all the tough situations that I meet along this journey.  I simply must trust Him and KEEP CALM!   Okay, it's not always simple and it takes self-control and perseverance and lots of trust in HIM!   I covet your prayers as I seem to be in a time of trials and testing.   And I will pray for you also if you leave a comment or contact me privately through my facebook page.   

Blessings always as we Press On In Christ,

Lisa

Being the Light I Am Called to Be

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.  Matthew 5:16

As the checkout clerk began to scan my groceries, a young man walked up with an empty buggy, smiled, and said, "Hello Ma'am, how are you today?"  

I returned his smile and said, "I'm fine, how are you?"  

He responded that he also was fine, or at least he might as well be.   He said, "It does no good to complain if I'm not okay."

I chuckled with him and agree and responded that his statement was very true. I said, "We have the same number of problems even if we complain about them and the same number of blessings for which to be thankful."   

As I have continued through my day I have continued to think on that conversation.   If anything, complaining does make more problems for us because pretty soon, no one wants to listen to us or be around us.  Other than with a business that has a "complaint process,"  my complaining only seems to increase my problems, not ease them.   

 Hello, my name is Lisa and I am a complainer.  When something (or someone)  is bothering me, I complain or I sulk and stew.  All it seems to accomplish is to make me feel more miserable about the situation and to bother or burden anyone I might share my complaining with.   ( I am not talking about my faithful sisters who listen to me, love me, and pray for me through my struggles and heartaches.  And I do the same for them.  That's how we survive our hard times.)

Same grocery store, two weeks earlier, I am waiting to purchase postage stamps.  I have time to "people watch."   The member of the management team for the front of the store is helping a cashier down at the other end of the store; then she rushes back to the self-scan station and begins to help a customer there who has a hang up in her check out process.  It literally takes five to ten minutes (more than five, less than ten I would guess) to resolve that customer's issue.  In the meantime, my presence has been acknowledged by this manager and I was told that I would be helped shortly.   When she appeared at the window where I had been waiting, she thanked me profusely for my patience.   I responded that I understand she couldn't be in three places at the exact same time and it was no problem.   After she took my money and handed me my stamps, she asked if I knew about an upcoming special sale, got me the sales flyer, and gave me a tip for shopping that sale.  She said she recognized me as being a regular customer and that I am always courteous and friendly and that she really appreciates that.   

Now, this feels like I am bragging; but that's not the purpose of sharing that story with you.  The purpose is to share my thoughts as I left the store that evening and today.   Both times, I left the store smiling and feeling good.  Both times, the employees of that store had no complaints to make about my behavior.   That evening as I thought about the manager's response I realized that there are many people who would have acted rudely with her, complained, sighed loudly, talked about the slowness of the situation with others in close proximity, etc.   And for what purpose?  What would have been accomplished? 

If I had behaved badly, then we both would have felt worse in that situation.  But instead, we both felt good about our interaction.  It was a small, small thing on my part to be kind and to treat her the way I would want to be treated.   But it made that evening more joy-full for both of us.  Win-win.   And then win!   You see there is a third win here.   I am a Christian, made in the image of God and His Son.  My purpose in this world is to show Them (by my life) to those around me.  I did not have to quote scripture to her or hand her a Bible.  She saw the fruit of the Spirit in my actions.  Again, this is not written to brag about me or to say I am always perfectly behaved!  Far from it!  Just ask my husband and children!

So I challenge you to be kind.  Really listen when the McDonald's lady is telling you a personal tidbit about her life and then ask her about that situation the next time you see her.  Pick up after yourself a bit in a restaurant and tip your server generously. (Yes God wants you to tip that person more than the 10% He commanded the Israelites to give back to Him.)  When you finish with that shopping cart, put it in the designated rack in the parking lot and if you have the strength, put the front end in the up position so that more buggies will fit in the receptacle.  That way, the 100 pound girl that comes out to retrieve the shopping carts has a slightly easier task on her hands.  In other words, treat others the way you would want to be treated if you walked in their shoes.  Be a good neighbor.  Let that light shine!

Pressing On In Christ,

Lisa 

Confession:   As I was previewing and editing this post, one of my treasured besties phoned me and asked how I am.  I replied, "Not good, how are you?"     She (concerned) asked what is wrong.  I replied, "My sinuses have gone mad and are making me miserable and I'm trying to work on a blog post and it's not cooperating" (user error-I am still learning!)   I then laughed at myself and realized how silly I am complaining about this while editing a post about the non-value of complaining!  So I then ask her how she is and we go on with the reason she phoned me.   See, I told you, I am far from perfect!  

When Others Wound Us Deeply

                                                  "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing" 
                                                                                             I Thessalonians 5: 11 (ESV)


When the words of others sear my heart, how should I react?  This is hard, isn't it?

I want to scream at the other person, "Don't you read your Bible?  Don't you know what God has said to you?  Don't you know how He said you should treat me?!   Note, I said I want to scream.  Righteous indignation!  Oh yeah!   Problem is, I'm not so righteous.  I am fallen just like the other person; I sin daily.  I fail those around me with my words and actions, or lack thereof.  So truthfully, I have no room to take on that tone or attitude.  

So then what?   When words or actions wound us deeply, how should we proceed?   The child who screams, "You let me down" or "I wish you were the one who died," or whatever the heart spills out onto our world.  Or what if the grown child decides that you have messed up so badly that you no longer deserve their presence in your life?    Or what if, in the heat of the moment, a spouse utters words that sink deep into your heart, words that you cannot un-hear, scarring words?   

The bad news is that I am still figuring it out also.  But the good news, The Good News, is held by God, the heavenly Father.  

The first step I have learned is to breathe, deeply.  I tend to take shallow breaths when I am stressed.  But I have recently begun to take deeper breaths in those stress-filled moments, and it truly helps.  I can feel myself start to calm,  fight-or-flight syndrome begins to recede.  I can think more clearly.  I can decide to keep my mouth shut in order to not "feed the fire" of the accuser.  

Second step:  seek God.   Father-God, Yahweh. 

"Our every breath is a murmuring of His name, YWHW. " 
                                                                                ~Ann Voskamp.  
Read her post at   (http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/01/how-to-just-keep-breathing-on-a-monday/)  

His word is full of instructions for relationship repair and building.   Truly, the good news of Jesus Christ is that we were give reconciliation with our Father-God; reconciliation that would otherwise be lost to us is now ours.  It can help us find reconciliation with those around us from whom we have fallen for He left us ministry to complete while we live here.   And we can guide other souls to reconciliation with God.
"All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:"  2 Corinthians 5: 18

Third, remember that the person who has hurt you is not your enemy.  When your spouse, parent, child, friend, sibling hurts you, they are a fallen human being just like you are.  

 "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  1 Peter 5: 8

That is it, all of it!  That person is not your enemy; Satan is your only enemy, the enemy!  Extend to that person the same grace and love you find in your relationship with Father-God.  Yes, it is difficult, very difficult.  Sometimes we question, "Is it worth it?  Do I really need this much pain in my life?"  (And I am not speaking of long-term abusive relationships here.)
 
My husband and I have been open with our church family and other friends that we have struggled throughout our (nearly) twenty year marriage.  The first nine years were beyond horrible.  Then we FINALLY found a Christian counselor who taught us about unconditional love and grace with one another.  He also convinced us that there is no perfect marriage or "happily after ever."  Though we worked hard during our time with him, we still struggle at times.  We forget our way, we say hurtful things.  The only way to keep this marriage alive is to concentrate on loving with God's unconditional and forgiving love.    Breathe, seek God, and realize:  "he is not my enemy, the devil is."  And usually, I have to begin again,  breathe, seek God, ....

I asked myself recently what I would say to a dear friend who was facing a traumatic point in her marriage.  My husband and I had a particularly ugly argument with words which should not have been uttered.  I went for a drive and I thought long and hard about my "friend" who needed advice.  (It's mostly easier to love others more than self.)  What should I say to her?  I have no training in counseling; I certainly am not an expert.  I found myself thinking the following:

 "breathe deeply and do not rush to make decisions. Guard your heart and tongue.  Seek your heavenly Father and have other trusted friends seek Him on behalf of you and your husband."

 I reminded myself of what I had learned about unconditional love and grace in marriage.  I prayed and then I started towards home.  As I drove,  I turned on the radio.  It was set to my favorite contemporary Christian station.  I heard the words I was thinking right at that moment, 

"I need You, oh I need You.  Every hour I need You.  My one defense, my righteousness, oh God how I need You."     ~Lord, I Need You -- Matt Maher


I thanked God for His comfort and amazing presence in my life.   And I smiled thinking He is with me always.  I may be weak and inadequate, but He is strong and He is all I need.  Thank you Father!
  

An Epiphany: On Doing What I Can Do

Epiphany--
a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.  (Dictionary.com)

I was just playing Sudoku online.  Today's puzzle was moderately difficult-- a 3 on a 5 point scale.   I had just reached that point of difficulty where there are no more obvious choices for placing the next digit on the grid.  I had to begin to reason through.  I suddenly began to realize that looking at the places where I couldn't place a number wasn't helping me at all.  I had to search out the spaces where I could take action.  
That's when I realized that life is like that.  I must look at what I can change, what is positive in my life- open doors, new experiences, possibilities.  I must not dwell in places where I will stagnate or founder or get frustrated and discouraged.   

Life is about change and goodness and being my best in Christ.  I must count my blessings each day, open the doors of opportunity before me, and work at changing those things that I can change in order to make my life a "living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God." (Romans 12:1)  And there is the rub, I can change only myself - my reactions, responses, my demeanor.  I can work only on me.  

I must live at peace with that thought and also accept the challenge that making myself pliable in the hands of God is enough work for each day.  And as I allow Him to work in my heart and my life, I must also extend His grace to all of those around me who are also His works in progress.  

Pressing On in Christ,

Lisa

     " I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"                                                                        Philippians 3: 14

Change of Focus

Life has a way of  sending us curve balls which help to refine our thoughts, actions, and interests.  We grow and change over time and sometimes, a momentous event changes everything in an instant.

I previously wrote about the sudden death of my father-in-law a few weeks ago.  We lived 7-8 hours from one another so "close" isn't exactly how to define the relationship we shared.  But he was intimately involved in my life in a once removed way.  He and his son, my husband, spoke numerous times per week by phone.  My husband trusted his dad like no other man in his life.  He still revered and looked up to his dad, though he was well aware of his dad's faults also.  So while we weren't  extremely close in our relationship with one another, we were close through our connection to a man we both love.   (I won't write in past tense about his love for his son because now his spirit lives where love reigns eternally.)

I found my ability to concentrate severely hampered in the first few days of being with family in Indiana.  Part of it was caused by sleep deprivation, part by grief, and part of it from being constantly surrounded by people and conversation and things to do to help get ready for the memorial service.   I mostly used my phone to respond to texts, check email, and answer the ones that were expressions of  comfort and condolences to our family.  What I found myself doing was deleting the many emails that come in daily.  I subscribe to several blogs, some devoted to family and homeschooling, some about home decor, and some of a spiritual theme.  I saved the homeschooling ones to be read when I could concentrate.  I deleted the home decor blog posts thinking I would go back and look at them on the actual blogs when I was home again.  Mostly, I read the spiritually themed blog posts and was amazed and encouraged at how God was speaking to me and our family in our grief.  There were so many times when the blog I was reading spoke thoughts that  had been expressed by one family member or another or by a friend in the same 24 hour period or they were just the words I needed to be able to cope with the day.   For instance, two days after my father-in-law's death and after our arrival, the (in)courage blog had an article titled "How to make it through a tidal wave" and it just calmed my fears and grief perfectly.  (http://www.incourage.me/2013/02/how-to-make-it-through-a-tidal-wave.html)   And on the day of the memorial service, I was sent the verse of the day by K-Love and it was from the "time for everything" passage in Ecclesiastes including the words,  "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."  (Ecclesiastes 3: 4)  The entire passage had been read at the memorial service just hours before.  When I read those words again, sent to me in an email, it felt like another reminder from my Father that this is all in His will and that death is a part of life, with a hug thrown in also.  

The other thing that has happened since I have been back home is that I have not gone to those blogs and looked at those missed posts.  And in fact, I have deleted most of the posts that arrive daily in my inbox.  I haven't unsubscribed yet, but I find myself trying to be more mindful of my time and the use of it.  I know my Father has appointed the number of my days and my work here on this earth.  Somehow, how to decorate my home just doesn't seem to be as important as how to continue to positively impact the education of my sons.  Nor is it as important as reading the spiritual posts that come my way or as important as responding to my friends and family with whom I communicate through email or facebook.   All the fluff just doesn't matter right now.   The death of a loved one seems to have brought my own life, goals, interests into sharp focus and helped me to use my time to dwell in concentrating on what's most important in my life at this time.    Of course, every person has to pick and choose what's most important to themselves at any given time in life. 

Update:  I wrote this post just weeks after my father-in-law's death and nothing much had changed.  It has now been just over two months since his passing on.  Until this past weekend I continued to delete most of the home decor type blog posts coming my way; I sifted through the ones relevant to homeschooling and where my family is in that journey; and I read most of the spiritual blog entries.   And then yesterday during a family discussion about the use of our time, we decided to go on a type of  media fast- far less TV, computer time, facebook and video game time for all of us.  More to come about this new development.